if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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