Is it because I queefed?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
