You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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