What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
