Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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