am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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