3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
