Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
