God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
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I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
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