alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
