I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
