On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Randomize
