it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
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It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
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Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize