Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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