Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
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