I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
