I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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