Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Randomize
