i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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