so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize
