Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
