wakey wakey hands off snakey
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
