i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
