everyone is single if you try hard enough
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Randomize
