My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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