I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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