oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
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Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
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