I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
