I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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