Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
