don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
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He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
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correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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