I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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