Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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