there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
