yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
