He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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