this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We had sex on a dog bed..
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
