they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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