Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
