i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
