Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
