i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
