brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
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