the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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