I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
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christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize