We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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