im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Randomize
