My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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