I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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