Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
