mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Randomize