Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
